[Original] Petals of Asphalt-4. Do not be price.
Dear Dario,
sorry if I've neglected for a while ', but I really had a month ... heavy. I did not think I could ever use this adjective to describe my life, but it is.
might as well tell you now the important news.
First I turned sixteen and I spent the school year with high marks, as always. I did not want to go to see the pictures, so I already knew.
And then ... are no longer a virgin. Although, being a male, I do not know if it can be said.
Do you remember the girl you spoke, Marisa? She is a lesbian. And it's a good thing because finally I have someone who tells me emotions similar to those that I feel. And it is a reassuring presence, in some ways more of Alessandra, although she obviously I want more good because it came first.
Marisa all'Arcigay took me with him and I was involved in a painting course, once they knew that I could draw. And then I discovered that she and her group of friends like to go clubbing. So the day after the end of the school we went dancing in Tirrenia. I had always wanted to go, but I had no one who could accompany me. I thought my
would not allow me to go, they have not done stories. My mother has only recommended to be good.
I enjoyed immensely, was the pop music that appeals to me and I was stunned enough to not have to oblige to speak.
I met a boy, it looked bigger than me, but I was more effeminate. He was also a bit 'of eye makeup. He began to feel the muscles, to scrutinize my size, to ask mischievously whether the "rule of the height" was really true. I lied, but I strut, I pretended to be sailed. I told him I was nineteen years old, I do not know if I should have thought.
Luckily Marisa gave me condoms. We went into the pine forest behind
the room, which was full of people who do something in the shadows. I was a bit 'scared because I thought that would put me under, but no: it is leaning against a tree and was knocked off his pants.
At that moment I just hoped to get it right for anxiety. But in the end it was easy, in fact, was something I wanted for a long ... and then gave me a great feeling of power. I decide how and how much, I have control ... and this makes me feel strong. It excites me feel strong.
Fortunately, the type did not ask me to kiss him because I could not have done.
I did not want to tell anyone anything of what happened, but at some point Marisa took me to one side. It is as if I had read in his eyes, told me he was happy for me and we go out dancing more often.
Then ... I hate the holidays. Literally, especially the summer, I put forward. Why holiday with my sister is home from school, I'm home from school, but our parents still work. So I have to spend so much time with Maria. It can not stand it.
usually our parents have always sent a couple of weeks together somewhere in England or France, to learn languages. And it's always been hell. Marianna
able to approach people, is too friendly, then it becomes obsessive and not the spring more and if someone gets tired of her and try to avoid it, was hurt, it becomes a bad mood.
Who should contain his temper?
I, as always. To avoid that mess happen, as in his school a few months ago. And then, when our parents are not there, I should be aware that taking the medicines at the same time I can provide them not because mom says that my sister has to develop his "autonomy".
fact is that as soon as school ends, I begin to have headaches and I just feel like stabbing of hanging himself to paint and listen to music or in the pool. Marianna
But obviously can not leave me alone. He speaks to me. I scream. And the screams in my head are amplified as, like many small needles of ice. I feel like banging your head against the wall because I'm even worse and makes me sick and pass me the urge to eat. And to get out.
So ends that, when our parents come home at night, is a continuous fight because I would like to see happy, because they do not understand and say they are selfish. That all we are doing at the bottom of sacrifices, but it seems that in the end, just me being asked to do the impossible.
Understand? You just can not do that. I can not. Sometimes I just want to run away.
Luckily Marisa dragging me out from time to time and we go out dancing on Friday night in Tirrenia ... me until the grant.
My mother has mentioned the possibility I could bring Marianna with me, but I have opposed screaming, I said I rather stay at home too. I think it surprised with my reaction because he has not touched the topic. The only
hours of peace is when Marianne goes by her psychiatrist and gymnastics. Because everything else - the floor, for example - it does at home.
Sometimes I feel guilty, I feel bad. I know I'm a disappointment to my parents because they are not what they want. Although I really take me hard, but it is never enough. I can not seem to love my sister. It's not that I love her, but I can not stand. I know it's wrong. I was wrong. I think
are right when I say I'm selfish. Sometimes I talk to Alex, but her every time I liquid in two seconds by saying: "So you know that you're crazy."
I do not think my sister is crazy, otherwise would put in some institution. It's just ... difficult. I do not know.
Sometimes combining some casino and hope to die, it would be a liberation for all. But then I just feel horrible for having thought about it. She, somehow, part of me. Marisa
sensed that something is wrong, recently came up to me, sends me messages when I do not see or hear me not too long. She approached a lot even with Alexandra, maybe she told you something, I do not know. But I do not want
know, otherwise Marisa, who reasons already an adult, I would say the same things my parents, who are evil and selfish, I do not deserve anything.
At the end I love you too and I do not want to leave me. I do not want to feel even more alone. Marisa
once asked me if I do not like to have a boy, someone who is near me and loves me really. I do not want. I do not want someone who then promptly leave me just come into our confidence, I do not want someone else to tell me what I do, as I must be.
I'm fine by me.
Marianna has a boyfriend now, who is two years older than she, and our parents are very worried. They say it is still too young for these things.
My father never asked me if I have a girlfriend. Maybe he sensed something, or perhaps does not ask because they do not want to know.
Sometimes I want to say in the face to both of who are gay, so at least I have a reaction from them. That definitely send me to hell, at least leave me in peace.
Marianna came back to my room, they are furious! Back from the pool, I found my whole room upside down, mom and dad looking at me dark.
He opened all my condoms - those who had given me Marisa, with the logo Arcigay - rummaging through my things, my colors inverted making a mess.
I wanted to put me to scream, but did not succeed. I have seen my
condoms of course, but neither of them had the courage to comment or tell me anything.
I just said that from now on relock my room, that nobody should be allowed to touch my stuff and Maria do not have to bring their own!
I asked them all to go out and I started cleaning up that pigsty, to see if something was missing ... of course I could not find anything.
Think, you, dear Dario, you were finished in the wastepaper basket with two pages torn out, but fear not: I have put down with tape, will be a few 'battle scars like two.
Later my father came to me, I hoped I would speak, instead he just gave a pat on the shoulder and said: "It takes a lot of patience," then gave me one hundred euro to buy back the colors and recommended me to ask for more if I needed it.
I wanted to make him swallow his fucking money.
I'm not a whore for sale.
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